I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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