guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
