sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
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How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
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you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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