I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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