this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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