I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
