He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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