I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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