I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
