i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
