This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
