I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
ttyl tear gas
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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