I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
