I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
