I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize
