brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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