Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
