This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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