Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
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Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
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Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
there is puke in my bra ... again
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
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