awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
