Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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