see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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