i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
