Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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