I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
