I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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