Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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