vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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