who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
