I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
