does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Randomize
