I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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