I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
