i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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