my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
