Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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