I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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