Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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