Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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