Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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