Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
