and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
