i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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