atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
