Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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