Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize