i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
