her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
