got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
