I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
