Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
youre lurking in front of me
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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