Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize