There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
