My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
