i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
